I ate today. Even though I hadn’t in four days, I made sure this meal was eaten slowly. Her name was Constance, she was a member of the Vegetarian club. I bring it up because I, like many others these days, love bragging about the healthy foods I consume. I don’t plan on posting it on Instagram or anything but it’s nice to keep a record of it when I get invited to a buffet.

I should explain why I didn’t eat for so long. It has nothing to do with the way my kind have been treated over the years. No this is the golden age for a vampire, just throw on some glitter and the cattle comes running. No I was convinced by my yoga instructor too fast for a week, which I failed at, and my body would feel stronger when I next had a meal. No shit Swami, it’s called starving. Not going back there again.

She wasn’t the only meal I had today, there was this guy I met in a coffee shop. He was ok, not much of a brain though. And I think hipster gives me heart burn, which it cause for worry when you are undead. Oh wait, he did freak me the hell out when I revealed myself to him, he was all into it. Not what I wanted to see when beast mode is activated.

For all of you who aren’t princes or princesses of the night, please for the love of soft drinks on a hot day scream or act scared when we do our big reveal. We may not plan out who our victims are, but you can bet your sweet neck we practice our dinner ritual for months before we actually feel comfortable enough to stalk pray. It’s not easy when you can’t use a mirror.

Sorry, so this hipster, backed into a dark corner of a night club, twiddled his fucking mustache when I fanged out. He went “oh my”, I didn’t know whether to bite him or bring out the Foils and fight. I specifically use clubs to drown out the screams, but no, captain lens- less frames thought that was to mainstream. So I drained him right there. Usually I use my wiles to walk them out of there, looking like a designated driver, but fuck him and his suspenders.

I have nothing against hipsters, I just didn’t like this guy. I have four hipster friends, thank you very much. I should get ready for work now, I have the graveyard shift tonight. That still cracks me up. I should write a book or something.



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