Andy: welcome ladies and gentlemen, to the first interview of many. I drew the short stick so I will be interviewing another short stick recipient, Jacob.

Jacob: that’s how it looks now doesn’t it.

A: are we really going to do this right now?

J: is that your fist question?

A: is that your poor excuse for a witty answer? Or will you be pulling out the big guns when we actually start this mama jama?

J: you could have knocked first, you know.

A: it was the door to the kitchen, I barely notice it when I’m fully awake, and I sure as heck ain’t going to think about it at six in the morning when I need an alka seltzer because we spent the last day drinking and talking about batman. It’s not my fault you ant Pat chose that time and place to get busy… by the way I think I should be more angry about the fact that you defiled the safety and harmony the breakfast table offers to us all by sticking your bits in a girl, all I did was see Patricia in the most beautiful manner a woman can be viewed, and that happens to be nude face down on the table.

J: great tits though.

A: oh yeah, great tits. Cheers to you on that.

J: shall we begin?

A: we shall. Question number one, where are you from?

J: I was born in Manhattan, but my dad took us all out when I was about three. He had a gambling problem.

A: did he have a lot of debt?

J: no the opposite, he was too good at it and the bar cats he hung around with didn’t like having to fork over the money. From what he told me years later, a goon came to visit at around midnight and bashed up the house pretty bad. The folks decided it was best for us all to uproot and make a home somewhere quieter.

A: is this when you moved to Richmond?

J: yes, it was. My folks lived it up there. My old man got a job with the newspaper and my mom became the director of the local theater.

A: did the young Jacob ever take part in any of the plays?

J: (laughing) oh god, I had to fill in when the lead actor got sick. The marquee read ‘Jacob Hemmle as ANNIE’.

A: you played… in a dress?

J: I was prettier than any of those little witches that stared daggers into me for stealing the roll from them. I remember a kid named Jose something tried to kiss me, he didn’t know I was me, he thought I was Marla, the sick girl, and just went for it. When he knocked off the wig I swear he telepathically yelled to me ‘I spent a whole day mustering up the courage to do this and you had to cock block, fuck you Jacob, fuck you and your wig of lies.’

A: how innocent.

J: I laughed throughout the performance, needless to say parents complained and I was axed. Even with my mom at the top she treated me like any other actor.

A: this is around the time your mother started to get sick?

J: yeah, I was about four when she started going regularly to the hospital, and about five when she came back home bald. After months with little to no change my dad decided to take her to another doctor. Funnily enough it was because of this awful situation that eventually took her from my dad and me, that me and Solace met.

A: how did you meet?

J: we met on the floor of a doctor’s office. My mom, having had worsening health problems, was referred to John Hopkins’ neurology department. I didn’t have a sitter so they took me along for the visit, I hated hospitals even then. My mom’s Doctor was Abigail Arrives, who was the kindest person ever, and she thought it would be a good idea for me to wait in her office with her son Solace. I use to think he had the stupidest name in the world. But after that we made fast friends, too bad our play dates were pretense for my mother’s frequent hospital visits.

A: when did your mother finally pass?

J: let’s see, I was eight when she went to the hospital and never left. Her wishes were to be kept and used for future lessons. Dad and I held a little shindig at our home, the Arrives went and so did her whole theater troupe. We weren’t religious but we had a tomb stone placed in the back yard. (Looks away) sorry, I hate when I get all emotional.

A: not at all, it’s your privilege to remember her the way you want, and I would like to think those are tears of happy memories.

J: you got that right, she was spectacular. Always had a kind word and a sharp remark, to bad my dad took it so hard.

A: how long after your mom did he go?

J: a year and a week. He took to the bottle real heavy after she went, and had a love of the open road to boot. Road wasn’t big enough that night I guess.

A: that’s a terrible —

J: he did a stupid thing Andy, regardless of the heart ache he went through, it was an appallingly selfish thing. He left a nine-year old an orphan, I didn’t even have an aunt. If it wasn’t for Solace’s moms I would have been just another kid in the system. Know what (stands) I need a break how about you?

A: yeah, I think that’s a good idea.


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