Jacob: we are back with the last part of the last interview. With me of course is my good friend Solace. How are we doing?
Solace: I’m doing well, how about you?
J: this seems stale and very odd, it’s not like we don’t live in the same house. And to be honest, for us the time between the two parts was no more than a meal.
S: J-man we have to keep the fantasy going. If you tell them we do a lot of this stuff in advance they’ll want us to work extra days, or worse, all week.
J: good point… moving on. We last left off with Uncle Bart, how is he related to you?
S: he isn’t, just one of Jan’s and Abby’s friends from their hippy days who stuck around. He used to invite them over for peyote ceremonies to trip and, as Jan used to say, shack up. This was before either of them officially came out and it was through a vision that they saw themselves together.
J: ah, love at first toke.
S: tell me about it, but we can’t say much about it now can we, do you remember when we went to France the summer before sophomore year.
J: Christ that was fun. What was the name of that bar?
S: Les Petites Verres, home of the Grivois twins.
J: moving on─
S: no, no, the Grivois twins were women of the night that took a massive liking to our Jacob. Our first night there I drank alone because someone was testing the bed springs in the loft. I never told we could all hear you from downstairs. ‘Ladies, ladies, ladies, please. Ladies be gentle, put that down, now pick it up again without using your hands.’
J: no, no, that never happened [reddens] you have me mistaken for another.
S: I told her the first week you two started dating.
J: why would you do that? [Patricia laughs from the other room]
S: if she took off, C’est la vie. But when she laughed, oh and she laughed, I knew she was the gal for my good pal.
J: so much hate right now, you don’t even know. I was saving that for my death bed, you know.
S: I didn’t tell her the rest of the story.
J: why the hell not, I was cool in that part. Go on, tell the story about how you got us kidnapped.
S: well as you remember you were ups stairs with the knob gobbers, [Jacob throws a punch] let me finish, you were up there going cross-eyed when three burly men came in and walked up stairs. I thought you had called the cavalry or something, feeling a little sad that you didn’t ask your good mate for help. When they brought you down stark naked and screaming. Like any good American boy, I took the closest bottle and smashed the teeth out of the nearest one.
Terrible idea, you see dear reader he was, I later found out, made of fucking anti-bottle over the head material. I on the other hand was not, and thought that then was a good time for a nap. Would you like to fill in the gap?
J: they tossed us in a cab and drove away. I remember they passed right in front of our hotel before taking the highway. The cab eventually stopped and we were dropped on the lawn of a massive chateau. You came to by then, I think.
S: I did, but I never knew there was a car. I assumed after the big bastard hit me, that was where I landed. He hit me really hard, my filling came out. You know how much I dislike the dentist, their judgmental tsks, and the way they jab at your gums when you try and convey any sort pain like sadistic drill instructors… ha I made a pun I think. I digress, yes big fucking house with a creepy ass man, or woman I still don’t know, standing on the steps leading to the front door. This person floated toward us like a rollerblader wearing a long dress.
J: he was wearing rollerblades.
S: even weirder. He stooped down low and spoke softly, his breath… I’m going to make him male since you said he… smelled like a rose garden in the dead of summer after a drought. I mean it was terrible, and nice all at the same time.
J: would you say bitter/sweet?
S: I wouldn’t. He then instructed his goons to take us into the house and strip me naked, you were already set for this kind of party. He then proceeded, and no readers I shit you not, to take pictures of us. After a fairly cold photo shoot, he put the memory card in an envelope and sealed it up. He walked back to the front door, and from the familiar metallic noise, put it in the mail.
Three days of drinking wine and reading though his library naked, the postman knocked at the door. I heard the tearing of paper, a pause and then sickening laughter. He came back and tossed the letter at me, it was a note he wrote to my mom’s asking very politely for ransom. Scribbled on the back was their response, ‘have fun dears, we’ll see you back in the states after your done playing.
J: I still can’t believe they thought we just wanted to stay longer. At least they left us the room key.
S: fat lot of good that did us. We were stuck there for another three months. If it wasn’t for the genius plan you had we’d still be there [shivers and lights a cigarette] you would have been his woman.
J: why am I the woman?
S: you’re prettier.
J: well fuck now I can’t even be mad.
S: but we got out of there didn’t we, stole some of his clothes and wine before we did.
J: you’re not going to tell them how we did it, are you?
S: [smiling] nope, who knows we may use it in a story someday.
J: everyone who reads us is a writer and know damn well when anyone in our craft says that, it is never going to happen.
S: you’re right, of course. Well folks, till─
J: they’re going to stop reading after this.
S: [nervously] next time (insert sign off here).