Patient Intake: admitted 12:00 pm August 8, 2013.

Hope&care Mental Health Center

Dr. Aaron Matthews.

  Terminal #4 – Patients Journal

2 pm: Oh god why? I can’t be this bad of a mother, I can and I am. Today is Jason’s birthday and I had to go and have another breakdown.  The poor kid had to drive me to the ER when the first of his friends arrived. He had been planning this for a month and I had to go and slit myself.

Lucile says it was my own fault for not keeping my emotions in line. Lucile is my other half, my sanity, my rock… or as Doctor Matthews calls it, my schizophrenia run a mock. Just because they can’t see her doesn’t mean she isn’t there… she isn’t there, she can’t be, she is me, I am her…. No I am not her I am me, she isn’t real.

6pm: They had to sedate me, I was fighting Lucile or she was fighting me I don’t know. Dr. Matthews says writing my thoughts down should help me cope and help him help me. Why do doctors say stupid things like that, I need to be heavily medicated almost twenty four hours a day? I can barely make it to the toilet let alone give someone the information to help me… then gain I am writing this. Am I? Is this real… god I miss Jason. He must hate me. I am useless. I can’t even give my son a birthday. He hates me, I hate me.

7pm: I want to die.

8pm: I made my bed, folded my clothes, showered and brushed my hair. The orderly thinks I might be allowed silverware for dinner, I hope I am. My mother didn’t teach me how to use a knife and fork so I could eat with a plastic spoon.

9pm: I just woke up and found the last entry, it wasn’t me… it was Lucile. Why is she writing things in my journal? She is a horrible bitch. Leave me alone, LEAVE ME ALONE!

10pm: good by Jason, mom loves you… happy birthday.

-Martha

If you feel like you need help, please seek it.

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