Today was a dull day. I had oat mill again, I’m almost out so I need to go to the shops this weekend. I just went two days ago, it was on my list but I didn’t think it was economical since I still had half a tin, but live and learn. Sometimes I think I go mad buying up all the whole supply at Miss Abbey’s convenience shop.

I felt a little frisky today so I decided on wearing my gray suit with a subtly patterned tie. I was halfway out the door when I thought twice on my selection of footwear, honestly penny loafers this time of year. I was right to wear the Italian leathers since I had to stand a whole two minutes waiting for the cab.

Morris, the hospital guard, tilted his cap at me in the same fashion as he has for the past thirty years. Claristhma, my nurse, handed me the charts for the day and asked how I’d like my tea, one sugar today I thought and she agreed.

My first patient was an old man with a rare disorder called Ethiopian foot smell. He had taken a liking to a pair of boots he bought from a Swedish gift shop last summer and the poor job done on the soul making him perspire more often than normal. I prescribed one tablet a day of Misergobamine twelve times a day for six months.

My second patient was a woman with Anglo South American tooth Rot. She fell into a pile of freshly mowed lawn clipping while holding a hot glass of milk. Two injections of Orsegam a week should clear this up.

My last patient of the morning was a young boy with a congenital heart condition. He had a bit too much fun running around during physical education and nearly fainted. Two milligrams of aspirin should do for now.

I thought I would take my usual lunch at Poly’s Play a Prude gentlemen’s club. They always have good finger sandwiches and deliciously dripping tea. Wanda the pole girl’s sun is starting at his new school today, he wasn’t too happy with his new teacher apparently.

My afternoon surgery was going just fine until from out of the man’s intestine, a ten foot tape worm bursts out and attacks the entire surgery staff. It took a swipe at Claristhma and took a chunk out of her neck. I was able to wound it with a scalpel; it writhed on the floor before disappearing into the heating vents. Good thing the mad had insurance; we had to use more sponges than usual.

On my way out for the day a naked man holding three packets of mustard ran out of the door screaming “The mayonnaise is curdled and my poodles speak lies”. Jefferson the night orderly, hot at his heels, bids me a goodnight, he is such a nice man.

I ended the night with another bowl of oat mill. Maybe tomorrow will be more exciting.

-Dr. Farmotillasmorous


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